Clean Short Jokes - Counting some sheep

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see
his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” complains the man.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquired the doctor.
The accountant replied, “That’s the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then
spend three hours trying to find it!”

Clean Short Jokes - Top reasons to study Economics

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.”
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how
they turned out.
5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why […]

Clean Short Jokes - Phone call

I needed to make a phone call while at the library. When I asked for change at
the counter, I was told that they didn’t give change for the phone, only for the
copy machine. So I asked for change for the copy machine and she gave it to me.

Clean Short Jokes - Fax machine

A paralegal was given her duties the Monday she was hired. Among other things,
she was responsible for sending out frequent faxes. She was fired on Wednesday
when they discovered that because she didn’t like using the fax machine, she was
saving the faxes to send out all at the same time once a week, on Friday. She
was […]

Clean Short Jokes - Plus a constant

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the
average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one
disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of
math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress. He tells […]

Clean Short Jokes - Imagination

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent
imagination.

Clean Short Jokes - The Right Place

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to […]

Clean Short Jokes - Such a waste

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline […]

Clean Short Jokes - The wireless telegraph

The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph
is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los
Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.

Clean Short Jokes - During the heat

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, NASA decided it needed a ball
point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as
a novelty item back […]

Clean Short Jokes - Try to get some rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on […]

Clean Short Jokes - New driver’s license

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a […]

Clean Short Jokes - Don’t do while driving

We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes.
When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do […]

Clean Short Jokes - Clever news reporter

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying […]

Clean Short Jokes - Deaf lady in trouble

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his […]

Clean Short Jokes - Too Much Coffee

You know you’ve had too much coffee when…
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
Instant coffee takes too long
You chew on other people’s fingernails
You answer the door, before people knock
You sleep with your eyes open
You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
You don’t even wait for the […]

Clean Short Jokes - Halloween Costume

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.
The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on
the bed was a Superman costume. The husband […]

Clean Short Jokes - Catch the Rabbit

Catch The Rabbit The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the
CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants
throughout […]

False Teeth

In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat
down, only to realize he’d forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma
to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, “No problem,” reached into his pocket and pulled out a of false
teeth. “Try these,” he said.
“Too loose,” the speaker said.
The […]

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask
questions. Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I
know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born,
because I was afraid some […]

An American and Japanese

An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The
American turned and asked the Japanese, “what kind of -ese are you?”
The Japanese man answered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”
“What kind of -ese are you?” the American repeated. The Japanese was showing
obvious confusion. Irritated, the American explained […]

Clean Short Jokes - Unusual Dog

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited […]

The Little Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a […]

Brewster the Rooster

There was this farmer who had an old rooster named Brewster, and Brewster could mate with any animal, he didn’t care which. Every morning the farmer would get up and feed all his animals, and every morning he would warn Brewster that someday it would catch up to the old rooster. Sure enough, one morning […]

Clean Short Jokes - THE BEAR HUNTER ALLLEGORY

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor
asked how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my
child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this
for a moment, then said, “let me tell you a story. I […]

Clean Short Jokes - Chicken Wire & Duct Tape

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“Roll of chicken wire.”
“What you gonna do with that?”
“Gonna catch some chickens.”
“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with […]

Clean Short Jokes - Donkeys At Christmas

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.

Clean Short Jokes - How To Catch An Elephant

As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:
First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

Clean Short Jokes - Fly Vs. Mosquito

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

Clean Short Jokes - Crying

One day a neighbor of the blonde’s go over to her house and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over […]

Clean Short Jokes - Distressed

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out […]

Clean Short Jokes - Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat […]

Clean Short Jokes - Hanging

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.
He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, “I’m hanging myself.”
“You’re supposed to put the noose around your neck, not […]

Clean Short Jokes - Karate

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: Porkchop!

Clean Short Jokes - Serve crabs

Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Clean Short Jokes - Cross

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Clean Short Jokes - Artificial turf

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

Clean Short Jokes - Horse

A wife hit her husband with a frying pan.
Husband: What was that for..?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

Clean Short Jokes - Angry crowd

What is the difference between an angry crowd and a cow with a sore
throat?
One boos madly and the moos badly.

Clean Short Jokes - Why?

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Clean Short Jokes - Dog Dancers

Why don't dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet!

Clean Short Jokes - Mexico Olympics

Why isn't Mexico in the Olympics?

Because every Mexican athlete that could swim, jump, and sprint already crossed the border.

Clean Short Jokes - Two Muffins

There were two muffins sitting in an oven, baking.

After about an hour, one muffin says to the other, "Boy, it sure is getting hot in here!"

The other muffin turns with an astonished expression on its face and replies, "AAHHH! Help!!! A talking muffin!"

Clean Short Jokes - Black, White & Red

Q: What is Black and white and red all over?
A: a news paper

Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A skunk with a sunburn

Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A zebra with a rash

Q: What is black and white and red all over and says Ho Ho Ho
A: Santa after coming down a dirty chimney.

Great collection of clean funny jokes

Go Cars

Q: Why do cars go on the road?

A: Because they are roadafide

Midget Fortune- Teller

Did you hear about the midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison?

Now there is a small medium at large!!

Girlfriend

A big family of 6 kids the ages from 11-26 with 1 girl. The oldest boy out of 5 decided to date a 18 year old girl. The funny thing is the youngest boy is always is saying if I was four years older I could date my oldest brother's girlfriend.

Department Head

“How many people work in your office?” the boss asked the department head.

“Oh, about half of them, sir!”

Clean Jokes - The Funny Tailor

A tailor was a busy man, and made lots of money making clothes for people. One day, Mr Li came in and demanded for a set of clothes.

The tailor replied," I'm very busy. Please come tomorrow. maybe I'll have more time then." Mr Li shouted," No way! I'm going to a very important lunch with my friend today and need a new set of clothes!"

The tailor shouted for his little helper, Button, to serve Mr Li. Seeing the small boy running up to him, the customer shouted," I won't be served by this little shrimp!"

The tailor replied, " Sorry, but I don't have any lobsters serving today." " Stop this nonsense! Give me a set of clothes right now!" said Mr Li.

" Okay, here are a set of clothes," said the tailor. " Robbers! Look at the price!" said Mr Li. " Well, do you want to fetch the policeman here?" said the tailor. " He's always interested in robbers."

Clean Short Jokes - 10,000,000 $ dime

A man finds a dime and walks up to a coin expert and says: this is a 1953 dime is it worth any thing? the expert replies: it might be worth 10,000,000 dollars! really?! yea if you use it to scratch of a lotto ticket.

Clean Jokes - The CEO Cycle

Mr. Shonu had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. 'Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,' he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, 'Blame your predecessor.'

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, 'Reorganize.' This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, 'Prepare three envelopes.'

Clean Short Jokes - ihop

A guy walks up to a one legged lady and said hey where do you work?

The lady says ihop.

The guy says no not how you get to work where you work?

Clean Short Jokes Many Moons

A long time ago, an indian chief fell into an outhouse.

50 years later a man went into the outhouse and saw the chief.

"How long have you been in there?" the man asked.

"Many moons my son, many moons!"

Clean Jokes Son Dad

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Clean Short Jokes Cheap Gift

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Four Short, Clean Funny Jokes - Q&A

What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle?A mon-KEY.

What is a vampire's favourite fruit?
Neck-tarines.

Why couldn’t Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

Cute Girl - Good Funny Clean Jokes

At a church school gathering, one old teacher approached a cute5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. “I must a got ‘em from my Daddy,” said the little girl, “because everyone says Mommy still has hers.”

Grandfatherly Advice

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Yo' Mamma

You're so ugly, when yo' mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!

Blind Man

"I see," said the blind man, peeing into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."

High Stakes

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you fifty bucks that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”

Blushing Tomato

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

Correct the sentence

Teacher : Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in thefield”
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : Why?
Student : Ladies first.

Clean Funny Short Joke - Classic

Man A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.Man B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Mad Cow

Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?” The other cow replies, “What the do I care? I’m a helicopter!”

clean short jokes cowboys

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

short jokes on dog

A men goes to sell his dog..
Buyer asked him,"Is your dog Faithful"???
He replied, "Yes ,very much,I sold him three times ,but it returns to me back"!!!!

short jokes on enjoying Sunday

Husband to wife: today is Sunday, I have to Enjoy..
Wife: How?
Husband : I have got three movie tickets..
wife: but we are two, why three tickets??
husband : One for you, and two tickets for your parents !!!!

short jokes on spelling mistake..

Height of "oh shit" like situation:??

A guy takes blade and writes his girlfriend's name in his forearms..

& ?????

&????

&
makes a spelling mistake..!!!

short jokes on tension in bad.

Man: we all ready to read saying and do not follow.

friend: how?

Man: despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bad." many man still sleeps with their wives. !

short jokes on side effects

A men was cutting side of capsule before taking it.
His Friend ask him why are you doing so????
He replied:-"TO AVOID SIDE EFFECTS"....!!!!

Funny Quotes – Insults

But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common objects that he could think of, and had screamed: “You lamp! You towel! You plate!” and so on. – Sigmund Freud
Sports

Funny Quotes – Insults

The triumph of sugar over diabetes. – George Jean Nathan
Famous Quotes

11 Reasons why snail mail is better

1.) Snail mail can be shredded quickly.
2.) The sender is forced to spend money on the sending process.
3.) Postal glue tastes pretty good.
4.) Snail mail always calls me “Mr.”
5.) I only need to check my mailbox once a day.
6.) Peeling off a self-adhering postage stamp is as sensuous an
activity as accurately sticking one back ON.
7.) [...]

The New Robe

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided
that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for
Finkelstein, the Tailor.
So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to
have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus
tried it on and it [...]

Spelling Lesson

If “GH” can stand for “P” as in “Hiccough”
If “OUGH” can stand for “O” as in “Dough”
If “PHTH” can stand for “T” as in “Phthisis”
If “EIGH” can stand for “A” as in “Neighbor”
If “TTE” can stand for “T” as in “Gazette”
If “EAU” can stand for “O” as in “Plateau”
Then the right way to spell POTATO [...]

Funny Jokes

Grandpa’s Wisdom…..
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or worse, but not for good.
When a man [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Sexist Jokes

Funny Jokes

Animals in a Bar
There’s these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night …
The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’
The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’
The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’
The deer says ‘I had a buck [...]

Do You Believe?

Little Johnny was playing with his little brother Mickey when the
little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
“Sure you can, Mickey,” Johnny said, “Just flap your arms really
REALLY hard.”
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad,
jumped, then smashed into the ground six feet below. Horrified,
their mother came screaming into the room [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast. – W. S. Gilbert
Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Things Gays Want Heterosexuals To Know:
* We didn’t invent disco music so stop blaming us. * We’re not sure about Ricky Martin either. * We also didn’t invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it. * We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. [...]

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government nor of dungeons to ourselves. LET US HAVE FAITH THAT RIGHT MAKES MIGHT, AND IN THAT FAITH, LET US, TO THE END, DARE TO DO OUR DUTY AS WE UNDERSTAND IT.
– [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. – Oscar Levant
Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your [...]

Funny Jokes

My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn’t like men.” Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her [...]

Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes

New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman
Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes – Insults

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. – Stephen Bishop
Funny Jokes

Funny Quotes – Insults

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. – Jack E. Leonard
Networking Groups

Life Quotes

Life Quotes
Quotes About Life
You are alive. So live.
– Tomi Miyasaki
Cat Quotes

Absurdity Quotes

It is not in the world of ideas that life is lived. Life is lived for better or worse in life, and to a man in life, his life can be no more absurd than it can be the opposite of absurd, whatever that opposite may be.
- Archibald Macleish 1892-1982, American Poet
Christmas Jokes

Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes

Science Quotes
Quotes About Science
Science is the power of Man.
– Ikari Gendo, Neon Genesis Evangelion, unidentified issue/episode
Funny Jokes

Will

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make
her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales. “Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed.
“Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Funny Jokes

New Years Eve Day
It was the early morning hours of New Year’s Eve, and the phone at our small post office rang constantly with people asking the postal clerk if there would be mail delivery that day. To put a stop to the interruptions, the clerk had the local radio station announce that there would [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

The triumph of sugar over diabetes. – George Jean Nathan
Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

Golf joke
1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, [...]

Funny Jokes

Jewish woman
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, “Oh, I see you have U.D.” She replied, “U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, “U.D. is Upper Deck.”
She then went to [...]

Funny Jokes

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P.. Jones Crocpkpot Recipes

Funny Jokes

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto:
10. You get really good at singing E flat 9. You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures 8. You don’t really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive measures of E flat 7. If the choir really sucks, it’s unlikely the altos will be [...]

Funny Jokes

Drinking
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you’re drunk than to think you’re stupid. Funny [...]

Funny Jokes

Foiled
OLYMPIA, Wash. — What kind of friends coat your apartment — and nearly everything in it with tinfoil while you’re away? Here’s a hint: One of the only objects that escaped the shiny treatment was a book titled “Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends.” Chris Kirk found his downtown Olympia apartment encased [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. – George C. Scott
Funny JokesFunny Quotes

Funny Jokes

God Is Watching…
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

He has turned almost alarmingly blond – he’s gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth. – Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford)
Phoenix JobsWeetock

Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle East, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things [...]

Funny Jokes

I thought about making a fitness movie for old folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”
Cypher Pundit

All I Need To Know About Leap Year Birthdays,

I Learned From My Cat!

Joke of the Day
Be finicky – they’ll try harder to please you in four years.
If you don’t like your presents, SULK.
If you get bored at your party – just curl up for a nap.
Don’t stress out over your first gray whisker.
Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.
Remember, this is your [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. – P. G. Wodehouse
Mark Twain Quotes

Funny Quotes – Insults

He could never see a belt without hitting below it. – Margot Asquith
Spelling

Funny Jokes

Don’t be irreplaceable — if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted. leap year joke

Funny Jokes

Three wishes
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.
The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “Perfect. I always dreamed of [...]

Funny Jokes

Something to think about before your next flight.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

There goes the famous good time that was had by all. – Bette Davis
Award Code

Funny Quotes – Insults

To err is Truman. – A popular joke in 1946
Humor and Jokes

Funny Jokes

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how is manifests itself:
I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

He strains his conversation through a cigar. – Hamilton Mabie
Jokes

Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!” – Jack Handey
Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

A Day At The Beach…
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

You really have to get to know him to dislike him. – James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)
Jokes

Funny Jokes

If at first you don’t fricassee, fry, fry a hen.
Italian Soups

Funny Quotes – Insults

He’s completely unspoiled by failure. – Noel Coward
Italian Soups

Clean Short Jokes

Great collection of clean short jokes. All about clean jokes, clean funny jokes, clean short jokes, good clean jokes, free clean jokes.